Here we go! All writers are supposed to keep a journal. I'm not going to spill a fancy introduction here though or try to pontificate or intellectually showoff, (like I even could). Read it if you want, or don't. I have no secret life, as many do. What I have, is an habitual personal conundrum. I don't want advice, I know how to solve these 'problems.' No, my difficulty is kinetic in nature. I am the object at rest right now, and no amount of outside forces can seem to make me move. The doctors call this mild bipolar syndrome... except there is no pattern to it (discernible) and since when do they actually measure brain chemistry anyway...whatever. I've got this mountain in front of me again and I don't know where to begin and I don't want to begin...so I don't. Soon, it all falls behind, chores, school, relationships, hygiene, etc. When I actually do 'fix' these situations, I am always shocked inside that they took so little effort compared to the anguish I imagined them to be or the amount of time I procrastinated it. I know this is my (excuse) imagination right from the start, but I allow this to happen to myself anyway. I make weird excuses to people like "I work best under pressure," or crack some kind of joke to distract from the obvious: there are times when I truly do not give a shit.
Basically (completely) a selfish person, I struggle continually to overcome this part of my nature, while also continually stroking it. The cognitive dissonance that results from this can 'shut me down.' It's like over editing life until you have become ineffective. My mother wisely notes this as a 'curse' of the intelligent, and it doesn't escape me that historically those who fixate on the things that I do normally go insane, take their own lives, or both. NO THAT WAS NOT A WARNING SIGN or CRY FOR HELP. Lighten up readers, I'm a complex guy :).
But Dave, you still haven't said what the problem really is, have you? Sorry, but this particular post isn't written for education, it's written for me. I learned long ago that rambling prose dissuades the ignorant and fulfills the need to bury the dog deeper. Re-translated: If you don't get it already, I'm writing it in a way that you won't.
See, even now, there are things I NEED to be doing, I mean really 'important' things, but I'm writing this instead. Mainly, in hopes that somewhere in here I will find the necessary outside force to act upon me and place me back in motion. I need to make lists, set new goals, accomplish something, catch up...but I'm blowing it and don't even feel the need to let it bother me.
I find that historically when I get in this 'state' it is normally a portent that a large change in my life is coming, inevitably like a tsunami that will consume me. I feel the overwhelming sensation that my illusion of control has evaporated and I am simply passively waiting for the new paradigm to arrive. Waiting for my download to arrive if you will. Hmm-mm, I'll be damned. That's it.
So, I'll end this one here, because looking around, I find that there are some things I'm ready to begin now. That's all I ever need, just to begin. Because it takes just as many outside forces to stop me once I'm in motion as it does to make me move when I am not. See I had these plans (the selfish guy) and I almost made it, then life happened again, like life always does. So, I'm pouting a bit yes, but it's not that simple. The realization that the plans I had may still come to fruition, just not in the manner I outlined originally, shouldn't come as a surprise. Things rarely go the way they look on paper. Yet I am surprised, so much so that it was a powerful enough outside force to make me the object at rest again. Once again, I have weaved an illusion. It's not reality I am dissatisfied with, it is that it did not meet my expectation. Thus, the problem appears to be the variable I can control: my expectations. I'm going to try to catch up then on the schoolwork, honey-do's, promises to kids and friends, and myself that I am so far behind on. And wait patiently (not anticipate or try to out-think or out-maneuver) for the change whose ripples I feel coming like the vibrations on a train track. I can't see the light from the train or hear the whistle yet, but I know it's coming. It's coming in my life...in everyone's? I can't be the only one who's noticed. Can I?
So if this felt negative, forgive me. It has been positive for me, and I am ready to begin, instead of ready to get ready, like I was an hour ago. Possibly future entries will be less personally based, perhaps not. This is an experiment for me. I love the world, and I'd like to help it be a better place. I have 24 hours in each day and responsibilities. The older I get the more I wonder what is truly worth our time, dedication, and energy. Loving one another is all I ever manage to come up with. I love all of you and I already hurt for those who aren't ready for the things that sadly I 'know' are coming. Most of them will be almost unnoticeable, like the frog in the pot whose temp is slowly raised, except for those for us who have lived long enough to see the patterns. Until they stop you...ride, shoot straight, and speak the truth.
10/23/2011 2:15 am
I don't sleep much, so I thought I'd count some blessings: Just a few of the reasons I'm incredibly happy every day.
Two of my three sons have recently re-entered my life several months ago. They are fine young men. Their names are Michael Everett Davis and Brian Darrell Davis. They are twin brothers newly turned 16, and I am an overwhelmingly proud father which doesn't have the words to describe that pride adequately yet. Let me introduce you to my sons:
Chief Seattle’s Grave site at the Suquamish Cemetery
10/29/2011 10:59 pm
11/02/2011 12:37 am
"Life is like walking on a razor blade; sooner or later, everybody slips." I'm pretty sure I heard that in a Lonesome Dove movie. The Streets of Laredo, with James Garner as Texas Ranger Captain Woodrow Call:
11/03/2011 7:56 pm
Just another normal Saturday around here: Ayden is with her biological father Justin, Brian slept til 1 pm, Cassi, Michael and I were up at 7:30 am...sleeping in sadly. Cassi and Michael were off to take him to his girlfriend Kierah's house. Momma came home and Michael and Kierah were later to sing at Moon Dog's open mic. I diligently studied for several hours by reading:
11/12/2011 7:03 am
11/23/2011 713 pm
12/17/2011 4:00 pm
12/20/2011 6:00 pm